So, my roommate has a cat and I have a dog. He doesn’t take good care of the cat and NEVER cleans the litter box. There is usually so much shit in it that the cat covers his new shits in old shits. Eventually the cat abandons the box all together and starts shitting all over the house. Also when my dog can, he tries to eat the cat’s shit. Not good!
So I asked him to be more on top of the cat box, but he never was. I came up with a plan. I scrubbed the hell outta the box and put pristine litter in it. My roomy thanked me when he noticed and said he would do better. I said nothing. Everyday, several times a day I would clean that box! I wouldn’t give the poop time to cool before I was on it. After a week or so, my roomate comes out to the living room and is looking around. I say, “What?”
He says, “Have you seen any cat poop around cuz she isn’t using the box.”
I say, “No…no I haven’t.” This goes on for another day and he is worried that something may be wrong with the cat. That night I took a HUGE shit in the cat box!
He wakes me up next morning freaking out, “DUDE! You gotta see this!” He shows me my shit and thinks the cat did it.
I said, “Dude! Thats not normal, she is gonna die!” He freaks out and takes her to the vet. As he is leaving I suggest that he take the turd with him. You know just in case. And he does! About 2 hours later he comes home…..pissed! The vet didn’t seem to be fooled at all. He wasn’t happy that my roomy brought him human feces to test! I said, “Next time CLEAN YOUR FUCKING CATS LITTER BOX!”
Dick Move or Funny?
So, I used be a logistics operator for a retail chain “warehouse” type store. Since I worked in an office in the back, I didn’t get a lot of “customer interaction”, but occasionally folks would ask me where things were. I took great pleasure in sending them as far from what they were looking for as possible, or just telling them we didn’t sell that. This was basic shit like milk and eggs, and the reactions were pretty hilarious… People get pissed when you fuck with their grocery shopping experience…
Dick move or Funny?
One night, when my wife was out of town on business, I went out with some friends and got pretty trashed. When I got home, I decided it would be a good idea to let our new puppy (who usually sleeps in a kennel) sleep in the bed with me.
When I woke up in the morning, our puppy wasn’t in the bed. She was passed out on the floor with a bunch of chewed up shit all over the place. Amongst the new chew toys were pair of my wife’s shoes. They were some nice looking shoes that my wife sometimes wears to work.
Realizing that this was all my fault, I did what any man would do; I threw those fuckers in the trash and kept my mouth shut. Weeks passed and my wife was none the wiser.
Until I got the call.
My wife, packing for another business trip, called me at work just to ask if I had seen her new, grey new shoes that she wears with her pinstriped suit.
“Nope.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Did you look under the bed?”
“Yes.”
“How about in the suitcase you took on your last trip?”
“They aren’t there either.”
“Then I don’t know.”
In the months since, she has torn this house apart looking for those damn shoes and has called several hotels that she has stayed in, asking if she had left them behind.
Every time she starts moving stuff around in the closed, I know exactly what she’s searching for. And I don’t say a damn thing.
Dick move or funny?
On campus there are lot of pushy people handing out fliers. One day I decided to do something about it so I made twenty copies of a flier that simply said, “No Thank You.” For the next two days I handed this out to everyone who tried to hand me a flier.
Dick move or funny?
I once approached the homeless man that is always outside Target. After making eye contact, but before he could open his mouth, I started with “Hey, man, do you have an extra dollar?” and held out my hand. “I just want to get some lunch, dude.”
You tend to have an instinctive reaction to others holding their hands out to you. So did the homeless man. He made a kind of instinctive reaction by listening and then starting to think about it. He even turned slightly toward his big shopping cart full of stuff.
I didn’t want him thinking too hard, so in order to seal the deal, I started to say “Thanks, dude! Thank you …” but before he could give me a dollar, my girlfriend got too close and woke him from my spell.
I’m pretty sure that, with just a single additional compliment after the “Thank you,” I could have gotten a dollar out of him. I’ll just have to try again.
Dick move or funny?
