Benefits of Technology

I was sitting in my philosophy class and decided I wasn’t going to like it. So, I pulled out my cell phone, connected to the internet, dropped the class and left without saying a word.

Dick Move or Funny?

Shocking Photos

At a class reunion picnic, a group of us decided that we were going to make the hand gesture “The Shocker” (Two in the pink, one in the stink) in as many photos as we could sneak it in. I did it while posing with a classmate’s daughter… who has down syndrome.

Dick Move or Funny?

The Truth Hurts-ish

I was working in a kitchen at the time. I had an order of zingers to make, and for some reason the fryer wasn’t heated up, so I reset it and moved on to something else while I was waited for it to heat up. Michelle comes in, sees me working on something else, and starts yelling at me for not making the zingers. I very calmly told her without raising my voice that the fryer was not heated up, and I could not make the zingers until the fryer was at the right temperature. She proceeds to start putting the zingers that I breaded into the fryer that was not heated up.

I tell her, “What are you doing? Just wait a minute for the fryer to heat up.” She then goes off about how she has been working here longer than me and that I didn’t know what I was doing. So I say, “This is the reason why no one likes to work with you.” She made the mistake of asking why and how I know that no one in the store likes working with her.  Without any hesitation and without cussing or calling her names I seamlessly listed all the reason why people hated working with her and I used multiple examples to support my assertions. I can’t remember what all I told her but the main idea was that no one liked her because she bossed everyone around even though she didn’t know what she was talking about.

Everyone in the kitchen stopped what they where doing to listen, and when I was finished they applauded. Even the manager praised me for staying so well composed. She started crying in the break room and claimed that I disrespected her. We were all laughing about it.

Dick Move or Funny?

Strip Club Lesson

So I was at a strip club 10 years ago with my brother and an Army buddy.  I was getting too drunk and was not really interested in a dance from the most recent chick to try to put a slug trail on my jeans. 

I told her instead that I would prefer a shoulder rub for a couple of songs for $20.  She said OK.  After the rub, she said, “you are a good guy, let me clue you in on something.  A lot of these Asian chicks are transsexuals.”  I said, “really?”  Oh yeah. 

I asked, “What about that one?”  O yea.

“What about that on on the fat guy in the corner?”  O yeah, he has to change in the mens’ room. 

So I go over to the fat fuck getting the dance, and i say, “Hey brother of mine, you having a good time?”  O yea.

Well, here’s $100 for some more dances. 

Then I get my Army buddy and we watch the show. 

We leave after the best $100 I ever spent were exhausted.  I am laughing so hard I can’t even breathe.  We get in the car and my brother says, “she had the biggest clit I have ever felt!” 

That was 10 years ago and to this day I have not told my brother, but I’ve told this story about 100 times. 

Dick Move or Funny?

Do The Right Thing

After a rough day at school, my 7 friends and I piled into my Tahoe and went to Wendy’s across town. I figured since I drove, that they would all chip in and buy me some food. They didn’t, so instead of watching them eat, I said I had to go to the bathroom. I got in my car and drove home, leaving them to a 4 mile walk back to school.

Dick Move or Funny?

Craigslist

My friend’s and I love playing pranks on one another. My latest exploit involved me posting my friends phone number on craigslist stating that he has Justin Bieber tickets to a sold out concert that he can no longer attend and that he is giving them away for the same price he bought them for, which is basically half of what everyone else is trying to get on craigslist. His phone hasn’t stop ringing that last 3 days.

Dick Move or Funny?

Spine Checked

Today, I was walking through ArtsFest, which in my town, is a big fucking deal. So I passed this booth for a chiropractor, and the lady running it called out to me, “Have you ever had your spine checked?” I whirled around instantly and said, “Yes, actually. I went to one yesterday, and you guys overcharge severely.” Everyone there left.

Dick Move or Funny?

Nicotine Caper

It get’s unusually cold in Northern Colorado during the winter months. As a smoker, I really hated standing outside of my apartment door in January to smoke, so I’d smoke half a cigarette or so and put it out in the ash-tray so I could enjoy smoking the other half later. Occasionally, I’d forget about my half-smoked cigarette and light a new one, and thus have several half smoked cigarettes in my ash tray for my later enjoyment.

One morning, I discovered that my ashtray was being sorted through by someone who was very obviously in need of a cigarette. I thought nothing of it at first, but eventually it became habitual. I couldn’t leave a cigarette on my ashtray outside for more than an hour without it disappearing.

I tried to devise a way of discovering who it was, but realized that a good revenge would be so much sweeter. I ended up smoking half of a cigarette, emptying out some of the tobacco, finding some of my beloved dog’s fecal waste to replace it with, and packing some tobacco back into it so it wouldn’t look strange. As a finale, I also stuck the cigarette butt in my dog’s poop and twisted it around and smeared some on the cotton filter.

After I had about three of these to use as bait, I put them back into the ashtray and went to sleep. The next morning, they were gone. After that morning, I never had another incident of a missing half-smoked cigarette.

Eh? Dick move or funny?

Spellcheck

There was this homeless guy who was bumming for change just outside of a McDonald’s. He had a sign that he’d made from a cardboard box that simply said: ‘HUNGRY’.

When I got close to him I pointed to his sign and said “you spelled LAZY wrong”.

He looked at his sign then swore at me.

Dick move or funny?

F-UPS

UPS will not leave packages at my house. For 3 years, I have had to leave work early, and make the 30 mile round trip to their depot to pick up any and all packages. I’ve signed the little slip, I’ve asked them to leave with neighbors, I’ve called the 800 number to no avail. One day I was at Target’s website, and saw they had a 300+ pound weight set for $50 with free shipping. So I ordered it, I didn’t want it, I just enjoyed making the UPS driver load and unload it off his truck for the 3 delivery attempts before returning it.

Dick Move or Funny?