Mediocre Cupid

I was checking out some profiles a dating site the other day and this girl’s read, “I am a 24 year old trapped in a 5 year old’s body.”

I had to send her this message:

You seem cool, but more importantly, you’re a 5 year old trapped in a 24 year old body. If it was the other way around, you’d be attracting a completely different group of people… did you ever see the movie The Orphan? It’d kinda be like that.

Dick Move or Funny?

Quit the Gym

My friend recently quit her job at the gym. I sent her a text message asking what happened. She responded with “Well, it’s been a toxic environment from the start and a long story, but I’m glad I got out of there”

I responded with, “So you were too fat, huh?”

Dick Move or Funny?

Benefits of Technology

I was sitting in my philosophy class and decided I wasn’t going to like it. So, I pulled out my cell phone, connected to the internet, dropped the class and left without saying a word.

Dick Move or Funny?

Shocking Photos

At a class reunion picnic, a group of us decided that we were going to make the hand gesture “The Shocker” (Two in the pink, one in the stink) in as many photos as we could sneak it in. I did it while posing with a classmate’s daughter… who has down syndrome.

Dick Move or Funny?

Summer Reading

A customer asked me to find a book off her 11th grade summer reading list. I asked her if she was interested in any particular book, she said she wanted the shortest one. I looked over the list. There was some good stuff on it. A Streetcar Named Desire, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sing, etc. I gave her one book I thought she might like, but she didn’t want it because it was too long, 300 pages. I looked the list over again and gave her Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury, because I knew she’d hate it

Dick Move or Funny?

The Truth Hurts-ish

I was working in a kitchen at the time. I had an order of zingers to make, and for some reason the fryer wasn’t heated up, so I reset it and moved on to something else while I was waited for it to heat up. Michelle comes in, sees me working on something else, and starts yelling at me for not making the zingers. I very calmly told her without raising my voice that the fryer was not heated up, and I could not make the zingers until the fryer was at the right temperature. She proceeds to start putting the zingers that I breaded into the fryer that was not heated up.

I tell her, “What are you doing? Just wait a minute for the fryer to heat up.” She then goes off about how she has been working here longer than me and that I didn’t know what I was doing. So I say, “This is the reason why no one likes to work with you.” She made the mistake of asking why and how I know that no one in the store likes working with her.  Without any hesitation and without cussing or calling her names I seamlessly listed all the reason why people hated working with her and I used multiple examples to support my assertions. I can’t remember what all I told her but the main idea was that no one liked her because she bossed everyone around even though she didn’t know what she was talking about.

Everyone in the kitchen stopped what they where doing to listen, and when I was finished they applauded. Even the manager praised me for staying so well composed. She started crying in the break room and claimed that I disrespected her. We were all laughing about it.

Dick Move or Funny?

Strip Club Lesson

So I was at a strip club 10 years ago with my brother and an Army buddy.  I was getting too drunk and was not really interested in a dance from the most recent chick to try to put a slug trail on my jeans. 

I told her instead that I would prefer a shoulder rub for a couple of songs for $20.  She said OK.  After the rub, she said, “you are a good guy, let me clue you in on something.  A lot of these Asian chicks are transsexuals.”  I said, “really?”  Oh yeah. 

I asked, “What about that one?”  O yea.

“What about that on on the fat guy in the corner?”  O yeah, he has to change in the mens’ room. 

So I go over to the fat fuck getting the dance, and i say, “Hey brother of mine, you having a good time?”  O yea.

Well, here’s $100 for some more dances. 

Then I get my Army buddy and we watch the show. 

We leave after the best $100 I ever spent were exhausted.  I am laughing so hard I can’t even breathe.  We get in the car and my brother says, “she had the biggest clit I have ever felt!” 

That was 10 years ago and to this day I have not told my brother, but I’ve told this story about 100 times. 

Dick Move or Funny?

Do The Right Thing

After a rough day at school, my 7 friends and I piled into my Tahoe and went to Wendy’s across town. I figured since I drove, that they would all chip in and buy me some food. They didn’t, so instead of watching them eat, I said I had to go to the bathroom. I got in my car and drove home, leaving them to a 4 mile walk back to school.

Dick Move or Funny?

Craigslist

My friend’s and I love playing pranks on one another. My latest exploit involved me posting my friends phone number on craigslist stating that he has Justin Bieber tickets to a sold out concert that he can no longer attend and that he is giving them away for the same price he bought them for, which is basically half of what everyone else is trying to get on craigslist. His phone hasn’t stop ringing that last 3 days.

Dick Move or Funny?

Spine Checked

Today, I was walking through ArtsFest, which in my town, is a big fucking deal. So I passed this booth for a chiropractor, and the lady running it called out to me, “Have you ever had your spine checked?” I whirled around instantly and said, “Yes, actually. I went to one yesterday, and you guys overcharge severely.” Everyone there left.

Dick Move or Funny?