It get’s unusually cold in Northern Colorado during the winter months. As a smoker, I really hated standing outside of my apartment door in January to smoke, so I’d smoke half a cigarette or so and put it out in the ash-tray so I could enjoy smoking the other half later. Occasionally, I’d forget about my half-smoked cigarette and light a new one, and thus have several half smoked cigarettes in my ash tray for my later enjoyment.
One morning, I discovered that my ashtray was being sorted through by someone who was very obviously in need of a cigarette. I thought nothing of it at first, but eventually it became habitual. I couldn’t leave a cigarette on my ashtray outside for more than an hour without it disappearing.
I tried to devise a way of discovering who it was, but realized that a good revenge would be so much sweeter. I ended up smoking half of a cigarette, emptying out some of the tobacco, finding some of my beloved dog’s fecal waste to replace it with, and packing some tobacco back into it so it wouldn’t look strange. As a finale, I also stuck the cigarette butt in my dog’s poop and twisted it around and smeared some on the cotton filter.
After I had about three of these to use as bait, I put them back into the ashtray and went to sleep. The next morning, they were gone. After that morning, I never had another incident of a missing half-smoked cigarette.
Eh? Dick move or funny?
Last night my roommate turned off the light in the living room and proceeded to smash his face into the corner of the door way, splitting his head open. He came into my room bleeding and nervous. I could have held in my laughter, but I didn’t want to. Dick move or Funny?
There was this homeless guy who was bumming for change just outside of a McDonald’s. He had a sign that he’d made from a cardboard box that simply said: ‘HUNGRY’.
When I got close to him I pointed to his sign and said “you spelled LAZY wrong”.
He looked at his sign then swore at me.
Dick move or funny?
UPS will not leave packages at my house. For 3 years, I have had to leave work early, and make the 30 mile round trip to their depot to pick up any and all packages. I’ve signed the little slip, I’ve asked them to leave with neighbors, I’ve called the 800 number to no avail. One day I was at Target’s website, and saw they had a 300+ pound weight set for $50 with free shipping. So I ordered it, I didn’t want it, I just enjoyed making the UPS driver load and unload it off his truck for the 3 delivery attempts before returning it.
Dick Move or Funny?
Anonymous asked: How many people in the world are dicks?
According to the world population clock at this moment we are at a total of 6,855,971,534. Given that number, there are roughly 6,855,971,399 people that are dicks.
So, my roommate has a cat and I have a dog. He doesn’t take good care of the cat and NEVER cleans the litter box. There is usually so much shit in it that the cat covers his new shits in old shits. Eventually the cat abandons the box all together and starts shitting all over the house. Also when my dog can, he tries to eat the cat’s shit. Not good!
So I asked him to be more on top of the cat box, but he never was. I came up with a plan. I scrubbed the hell outta the box and put pristine litter in it. My roomy thanked me when he noticed and said he would do better. I said nothing. Everyday, several times a day I would clean that box! I wouldn’t give the poop time to cool before I was on it. After a week or so, my roomate comes out to the living room and is looking around. I say, “What?”
He says, “Have you seen any cat poop around cuz she isn’t using the box.”
I say, “No…no I haven’t.” This goes on for another day and he is worried that something may be wrong with the cat. That night I took a HUGE shit in the cat box!
He wakes me up next morning freaking out, “DUDE! You gotta see this!” He shows me my shit and thinks the cat did it.
I said, “Dude! Thats not normal, she is gonna die!” He freaks out and takes her to the vet. As he is leaving I suggest that he take the turd with him. You know just in case. And he does! About 2 hours later he comes home…..pissed! The vet didn’t seem to be fooled at all. He wasn’t happy that my roomy brought him human feces to test! I said, “Next time CLEAN YOUR FUCKING CATS LITTER BOX!”
Dick Move or Funny?
So, I used be a logistics operator for a retail chain “warehouse” type store. Since I worked in an office in the back, I didn’t get a lot of “customer interaction”, but occasionally folks would ask me where things were. I took great pleasure in sending them as far from what they were looking for as possible, or just telling them we didn’t sell that. This was basic shit like milk and eggs, and the reactions were pretty hilarious… People get pissed when you fuck with their grocery shopping experience…
Dick move or Funny?
I have a buddy in college that is a self-admitted premature ejaculator. He had recently courted a young lady who was quoted as saying “that’s it?” as she put her clothes on and left.
On a long drive home for winter break, i heard a commercial for Trojan condoms that will entitle you to a free 3-pack of condoms of your choice. Being the friend I am, I got on their website and ordered the extended pleasure condoms in his name and sent them to his address, where he lived with 4 other guys we went to school with.
I have never told anyone about it and I did not hear that he had even gotten them in the mail. I forgot about even doing it until 2 years later when one of my buddies told me that the “that’s it?” girl sent him “numbing rubbers”.
Apparently he asked everyone else in his house and was lead to believe the “that’s it?” girl was the culprit. He eventually called her up one drunken night and bugged out on her.
Dick move or Funny?
Anonymous asked: I was a Fratboy in college-many years ago. Does that automatically make me a dick?
It doesn’t automatically make you a dick, but it does increase your chances by 83%
One night, when my wife was out of town on business, I went out with some friends and got pretty trashed. When I got home, I decided it would be a good idea to let our new puppy (who usually sleeps in a kennel) sleep in the bed with me.
When I woke up in the morning, our puppy wasn’t in the bed. She was passed out on the floor with a bunch of chewed up shit all over the place. Amongst the new chew toys were pair of my wife’s shoes. They were some nice looking shoes that my wife sometimes wears to work.
Realizing that this was all my fault, I did what any man would do; I threw those fuckers in the trash and kept my mouth shut. Weeks passed and my wife was none the wiser.
Until I got the call.
My wife, packing for another business trip, called me at work just to ask if I had seen her new, grey new shoes that she wears with her pinstriped suit.
“Nope.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Did you look under the bed?”
“Yes.”
“How about in the suitcase you took on your last trip?”
“They aren’t there either.”
“Then I don’t know.”
In the months since, she has torn this house apart looking for those damn shoes and has called several hotels that she has stayed in, asking if she had left them behind.
Every time she starts moving stuff around in the closed, I know exactly what she’s searching for. And I don’t say a damn thing.
Dick move or funny?