January 2011
1 post
4 tags
Mediocre Cupid
I was checking out some profiles a dating site the other day and this girl’s read, “I am a 24 year old trapped in a 5 year old’s body.”
I had to send her this message:
You seem cool, but more importantly, you’re a 5 year old trapped in a 24 year old body. If it was the other way around, you’d be attracting a completely different group of people… did you...
September 2010
1 post
4 tags
Quit the Gym
My friend recently quit her job at the gym. I sent her a text message asking what happened. She responded with “Well, it’s been a toxic environment from the start and a long story, but I’m glad I got out of there”
I responded with, “So you were too fat, huh?”
Dick Move or Funny?
August 2010
4 posts
4 tags
Benefits of Technology
I was sitting in my philosophy class and decided I wasn’t going to like it. So, I pulled out my cell phone, connected to the internet, dropped the class and left without saying a word.
Dick Move or Funny?
2 tags
Shocking Photos
At a class reunion picnic, a group of us decided that we were going to make the hand gesture “The Shocker” (Two in the pink, one in the stink) in as many photos as we could sneak it in. I did it while posing with a classmate’s daughter… who has down syndrome.
Dick Move or Funny?
1 tag
Summer Reading
A customer asked me to find a book off her 11th grade summer reading list. I asked her if she was interested in any particular book, she said she wanted the shortest one. I looked over the list. There was some good stuff on it. A Streetcar Named Desire, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sing, etc. I gave her one book I thought she might like, but she didn’t want it because it was too long, 300...
2 tags
The Truth Hurts-ish
I was working in a kitchen at the time. I had an order of zingers to make, and for some reason the fryer wasn’t heated up, so I reset it and moved on to something else while I was waited for it to heat up. Michelle comes in, sees me working on something else, and starts yelling at me for not making the zingers. I very calmly told her without raising my voice that the fryer was not heated up, and...
July 2010
21 posts
2 tags
Strip Club Lesson
So I was at a strip club 10 years ago with my brother and an Army buddy. I was getting too drunk and was not really interested in a dance from the most recent chick to try to put a slug trail on my jeans.
I told her instead that I would prefer a shoulder rub for a couple of songs for $20. She said OK. After the rub, she said, “you are a good guy, let me clue you in on something. A lot of...
2 tags
Do The Right Thing
After a rough day at school, my 7 friends and I piled into my Tahoe and went to Wendy’s across town. I figured since I drove, that they would all chip in and buy me some food. They didn’t, so instead of watching them eat, I said I had to go to the bathroom. I got in my car and drove home, leaving them to a 4 mile walk back to school.
Dick Move or Funny?
2 tags
Craigslist
My friend’s and I love playing pranks on one another. My latest exploit involved me posting my friends phone number on craigslist stating that he has Justin Bieber tickets to a sold out concert that he can no longer attend and that he is giving them away for the same price he bought them for, which is basically half of what everyone else is trying to get on craigslist. His phone hasn’t stop...
2 tags
Spine Checked
Today, I was walking through ArtsFest, which in my town, is a big fucking deal. So I passed this booth for a chiropractor, and the lady running it called out to me, “Have you ever had your spine checked?” I whirled around instantly and said, “Yes, actually. I went to one yesterday, and you guys overcharge severely.” Everyone there left.
Dick Move or Funny?
2 tags
Nicotine Caper
It get’s unusually cold in Northern Colorado during the winter months. As a smoker, I really hated standing outside of my apartment door in January to smoke, so I’d smoke half a cigarette or so and put it out in the ash-tray so I could enjoy smoking the other half later. Occasionally, I’d forget about my half-smoked cigarette and light a new one, and thus have several half smoked...
1 tag
Bleeding Head Roommate
Last night my roommate turned off the light in the living room and proceeded to smash his face into the corner of the door way, splitting his head open.
He came into my room bleeding and nervous. I could have held in my laughter, but I didn’t want to.
Dick move or Funny?
2 tags
Spellcheck
There was this homeless guy who was bumming for change just outside of a McDonald’s. He had a sign that he’d made from a cardboard box that simply said: ‘HUNGRY’.
When I got close to him I pointed to his sign and said “you spelled LAZY wrong”.
He looked at his sign then swore at me.
Dick move or funny?
2 tags
F-UPS
UPS will not leave packages at my house. For 3 years, I have had to leave work early, and make the 30 mile round trip to their depot to pick up any and all packages. I’ve signed the little slip, I’ve asked them to leave with neighbors, I’ve called the 800 number to no avail. One day I was at Target’s website, and saw they had a 300+ pound weight set for $50 with free...
Anonymous asked: How many people in the world are dicks?
2 tags
The Ol' Switcherpoo
So, my roommate has a cat and I have a dog. He doesn’t take good care of the cat and NEVER cleans the litter box. There is usually so much shit in it that the cat covers his new shits in old shits. Eventually the cat abandons the box all together and starts shitting all over the house. Also when my dog can, he tries to eat the cat’s shit. Not good!
So I asked him to be more on top of...
2 tags
Perks of Being Logistics
So, I used be a logistics operator for a retail chain “warehouse” type store. Since I worked in an office in the back, I didn’t get a lot of “customer interaction”, but occasionally folks would ask me where things were. I took great pleasure in sending them as far from what they were looking for as possible, or just telling them we didn’t sell that. This was...
2 Pump Chump
I have a buddy in college that is a self-admitted premature ejaculator. He had recently courted a young lady who was quoted as saying “that’s it?” as she put her clothes on and left.
On a long drive home for winter break, i heard a commercial for Trojan condoms that will entitle you to a free 3-pack of condoms of your choice. Being the friend I am, I got on their website and...
Anonymous asked: I was a Fratboy in college-many years ago. Does that automatically make me a dick?
2 tags
Nice Shoes
One night, when my wife was out of town on business, I went out with some friends and got pretty trashed. When I got home, I decided it would be a good idea to let our new puppy (who usually sleeps in a kennel) sleep in the bed with me.
When I woke up in the morning, our puppy wasn’t in the bed. She was passed out on the floor with a bunch of chewed up shit all over the place. Amongst...
Dick more because it wasn't funny.
“I went to this website called Dick Move or Funny. None of the stories were really that funny (except shoulder farts) and most really weren’t dicks moves. So I never went back there again.” -Wedgerock
Gonna go ahead and file this under “Dick Move.”
2 tags
No Thank You
On campus there are lot of pushy people handing out fliers. One day I decided to do something about it so I made twenty copies of a flier that simply said, “No Thank You.” For the next two days I handed this out to everyone who tried to hand me a flier.
Dick move or funny?
2 tags
Begging for a Dollar
I once approached the homeless man that is always outside Target. After making eye contact, but before he could open his mouth, I started with “Hey, man, do you have an extra dollar?” and held out my hand. “I just want to get some lunch, dude.”
You tend to have an instinctive reaction to others holding their hands out to you. So did the homeless man. He made a kind of...
Old Lady Hands
The other day I sat down on the train on the way to work. As we got closer to the city, the seats all filled and people were standing. I was reading a book, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see a frail old lady hand clinging to the pole in front of me. The rest of my trip I just pretended to be so engrossed in my book that I wasn’t aware of my surroundings.
Dick move or funny?
Incompetence
I was on the phone with a customer that had placed an online order to be delivered to our store, she received an e-mail saying it had arrived, but she hadn’t been called to say it was in the store so he was calling to confirm. I checked through the orders and found hers.
“Why wasn’t I called? I wasn’t called the last time either.”
“I’m not sure. We deal with a lot of...
Bustin' Chops
I work at a bookstore. The other night one manager told me to reshelve books on the 2nd floor. I found some books that belonged on the 1st floor and took them down when a 2nd manager asked me to reshelve books on the 1st floor before going back upstairs. While working on that, the original manager said, “I thought I told you to work on the 2nd floor.”
When I started to explain myself, he cut me...
Definition of Crochet
I was on the train when a this girl got on, sat down and began crocheting. The guy next to her began talking to her. I listened in because I’m always impressed when a guy can go in cold like that. So he’s asking her about crocheting and she’s actually responding. He asks her, “Crochet, now, is that French or something like that?”
Out of the blue, the older woman sitting across...
June 2010
1 post
Sick CoWorker
The other day a coworker came in and said she was sick. She’d brought in a doctor’s note so the managers said she could go home any time she wanted, but she didn’t seem sick to me.
A little later in the day she said, “I bet you want me to go home so I don’t get you sick.”
“Actually, I don’t care how sick you are, I’d rather have you here.”
She left an hour...
February 2010
6 posts
Hang in there
Today I was sent to the “sister” store of where I work, because the boss was having a computer problem.
The IT guy who works over there doesnt talk much to anybody, but I always try to small talk with everyone. He was wearing an open collared shirt and noticeably right there on his neck was a dark red patch of skin. So I said: “A hickey huh? HIGH FIVE” and put my hand into the air.
He then said:...
demtits:
what the fuck ever. i’m getting off because i can’t take bullshit like that right now. go complain about me to your other friends, i really don’t care. i’m in a shitty mood, and that’s that. say whatever you want to say. i don’t need this.
It was a dick move on that other person’s part.
2 tags
January 2010
11 posts
My Chicken, Bitch.
I was at my friend’s birthday party when I found out there had been chicken fingers and I didn’t get any. I saw my friend about to eat the last one when I, in the nicest way possible, ripped it out of his hand and shoved it in my mouth.
Turns out he hadn’t gotten any either… that would have been his first one… happy birthday…
2 tags
Shoulder farts
Every morning I drink a Red Bull before getting on the subway to go to work.
Usually by the time I get off the train, I have to go to the bathroom REAL bad (and I don’t mean #1) …which always makes for a quicker walk to work.
Today, the feeling hit as soon as I got on the train, and it was STRONG. I always stand in the doorway area with my back against the silver poles on the side of...
So far, no one really thinks we are dicks!
We think it might change with the posts from today :o)
-Fish & Smush
1 tag
Wrong Direction
I was walking down the street, listening to my iPod and feeling generally like a badass when someone stopped me to ask directions. I told him which way to go and continued on when I realized I sent him in the wrong direction.
I had to time to stop and correct myself, but he messed with my badass flow so I didn’t…
—
Dick move or funny?
Movie Theater
I work in a movie theater as a projectionist. The other day I was walking through the hall when a customer stopped me and asked, “Can I go to the bathroom?”
I said, “Nope,” and kept walking.
—
Dick move or funny?
4 tags
Boss' e-mail
My boss sent me an e-mail complaining about two spelling errors I made in something that he was proofreading. One of the things he said was, “We can’t continue to work together if you can’t learn how to spell. It’s called spell check, learn how to use it.” One of the two mistakes he pointed out was that it’s cannot instead of can not.
I responded by e-mailing him, “For the...
2 tags
You does not understand the internetz
An old friend who found me on facebook recently messaged me to let me know about a concert that he thought I’d be interested in going to.
I messaged back saying that I already had tickets for the 7th row.
He said, “You serious?”
I said, “I am SO serial”
He said, “Serial? What?”
And I replied with a link to the Urban Dictionary page for the word...
1 tag
I can has text message?
So, I was hanging out with this girl a lot. I really thought she liked me. My friends thought so too when they met her. We texted all the time/chatted online. We went to a few comedy shows together, and it seemed like things were going well.
On a Thursday, I asked her via text if she’d like to get dinner on the following Monday. She said “Sure!”
I texted her that Saturday night...